I refuse to watch the dash cam footage. I don’t need to watch it to know what is there. And even still, knowing that the evidence visibly shows that Philando Castile did no wrong makes me want to fall apart. Knowing that Philando was killed while a 4 year old girl was in the car makes me feel a deep anger that I don’t even have the capacity to express with words.

I want to sit with the rage and anger, both godly and justified. I want to grieve, cry, and mourn along with my black brothers and sisters, as well as others who are so moved. And at the same time, I want to direct the rage towards something that can hold me up in this time. And so, I wrote this piece that I have been meditating on throughout the day to get me through. I hope that it can offer some solace to you as it has to me:

Hold us this day God, hold us
As they release this footage of how they shot our brother down for simply existing
For breathing while Black
Hold us

Console us this day God, console us
As we cry tears of unbearable grief
As our hearts gets ripped out of our chest, again
Console us

Sustain us this day God, sustain us
In their arrogance and wickedness they taunt us
and they laugh and make a mockery of our pain, relentlessly so
Sustain us

Keep us from falling apart
Keep us from surrendering
From resigning
From letting go
So many times we want to let go

God,
Stay with us
Be our refuge
Be our rock
Fortify Us
Keep Us
Save us

Save us
Save us
Save us
This day, O God
Not tomorrow
Not next year
Not in the next generation
But today